This years Christmas seams to feel more prevalent because of the catastrophic year 2020 has been ! More effort put into the decorations and preparations, the decorations went up early to give us all that extra warm happy feeling. I’ve been Buying gifts since sept and making sure everyone gets what they want, having to plan online shopping so that it arrives on time. No mooching around the town for ideas this year. It’s been a long build up.
I sit and wonder why I feel so dam tearful, in fact I did burst into tears, as I felt everyone was being ungrateful. I work very hard every year to make Christmas perfect. In fact as I sit and ponder on why I feel so sad. I realise that I build this day up all month, the elf arrives and I spend many nights trying to create new and wonderful things for him to do, I’m desperately trying to keep the magic alive.
Xmas eve was Edward the Elf’s last night with us as he goes home with Father Christmas, Thomas hugging this little doll tight says “I don’t want him to leave mum” and tries to hide him so that he won’t be found and taken back to the North Pole. I cuddle Edward too and say goodbye and have a safe journey home, and thank him for all the fun he had created for us all. Thomas with a twinkle in his eye, I start to cry I give Edward and Thomas a kiss goodnight, and slip away and cry into my hands silently. This could be the last year Thomas believes in Edward, as he’s 8 years old and I know the time of believing and magic is waring thin. The realisation that my baby is growing up that one day he won’t need me, that my days as mother Christmas and creating magic will be over, and I will look back in these years with great love and joy and also deep sadness.
I sit on Christmas Day with the feeling of last night in my heart , all the effort and planning I put into that dam elf, then he leaves and I feel empty. All that build up for one day and I feel flat as a pancake.
This is also the first year ever we get to spend at home, my first ever Christmas dinner made by myself, I’ve been excited about it as it’s the first one. I had this idealistic image in my head of being perfect and wonderful and magical bla bla, and In the end it was just like any other dinner in any other day! Just with turkey and crackers chucked in. I felt that same deflation when Thomas hardly eat anything as he tells me I eat loads of chocolate from my stocking I’m not hungry! I actually said this is my first ever Christmas dinner and this is how you act! The tears began to swell again in my eyes.
All Thomas wants to do is play on his Xbox and moans greatly about it when I say it’s Christmas Day we all need to be together, let’s watch a movie etc etc.. pulling him away for 2-3 hours at a time is hard work, this isn’t how I expected the day to be. More disappointment fills my heart. After the presents were open that’s it, it felt done. I could feel that ungrateful feeling again that Rob didn’t get anything spectacular for Xmas nor did I! It felt strange not getting ready to go to my parents for Xmas dinner, I said gosh I’ve got to cook the dinner now !! I went and put on my Christmas frock and make up and bling and lipstick which seams like a new thing, waring masks all the time makes lipstick feel worthless these days. I realise I’ve put on so much weight that I don’t feel great about myself either! Last years dress is to tight so that depresses me.
I go and start the dinner it takes 3 hours, I soon realise my oven isn’t big enough to cook everything all together so I have to plan some more ! Whilst Rob is playing candy crush and Thomas is on his Xbox I work hard in the kitchen.
It’s just another day …. yep unfortunately it is, nothing feels different or special I feel let down. I feel let down by myself for building this day up yet again. I do it every year and I always feel the same. Ever since growing up. I remember distinctively the year it hit me in the face like a steam roller, I can’t remember exactly how old I was, But I remember that feeling. When you think is that it, I didn’t get anything that wowed me, no magical gift to sweep me off my feet.. I probably had to go to work and the realisation that the world keeps turning and we have to go to work it’s just another day hit me hard. I always looked forward to dinner time with all the family, the laughter and jokes and silliness. This year it was just us 3 not 14 Even though I felt excited to be at home and don’t get me wrong I wanted to do it, I soon realised I wasn’t laughing or acting silly.. I was moaning at Tom to eat his greens, I was looking for complements on all my hard work. Rob said this is the best Christmas dinner I’ve ever had, yet my come back was your just saying that! I didn’t believe him. I polished off a whole bottle of Asti to myself and I didn’t feel drunk. I wanted to feel drunk I wanted to pass out on the sofa with the words fuck it coming out of my mouth, but that didn’t happen either ! Another let down.
We had family zoom at 7 pm and the Moxham’s all laughing and joking made me feel even more melancholy for Christmas at my folks. The Daniels sat at home felt like a long long way way. It was lovely , it was different, it was rather chaotic trying to hear everyone at once. I miss the chaos of it all I miss it badly.
I wonder to myself is anyone else out there feeling the same as me ! Is this a real thing or is it just me ?
I have always loved Christmas and everyone who knows me will tell you the same.. I think I love the dream of it , I love the decorations the fairy lights, the magic it creates I love giving gifts and I love to make people happy. I give and give and give some more. With little or nothing left in return. My bag of sparkle runs out and like the holiday blues, the Christmas blues kick in !
I actually told myself come on girl keep this alive until New Year’s Day at least! This is the first year I’ve not had to fight quibble or beg for time off. This new job means I never have to work Christmas again, that I am thankful for that . I also got a £30 voucher in the post from my managers this made my year, virgin care gave us £1 each ! And gifts were bought from Poundland and we had to go to the office and choose what we wanted from a box of crap! Now there gratitude for saving peoples lives, for helping them to die peacefully at home and all the other stuff a nurse has to endure. so this actually was the best gift I received this year ! Well it was second as Thomas made a book for me at school which has taken him weeks, it was wrapped up ready and he pranced about with it all proud since leaving school waving it at me everyday, what a joy I will treasure this book for the test of my life.
In the evening before the day was over I blew out the advent candles and that pang of sadness fills my heart once again, this has also been a journey this year, having my own advent wreath as usually a symbol of my Christian faith at church on a Sunday, this year I felt extremely compelled to share this with the world and my fellow church goers,’and I made a big deal out of it and made some videos as covid has taken this from us this year. I felt very strongly that we should have the advent wreaths in our homes instead. The last 4 weeks lighting a candle every week, had become a ritual, praying over each word for the week hope, peace, joy and love. Today I lit the candle for Jesus In the centre of the display, I missed midnight mass which helps to ground me before the big day. So I ponder and look at the candles burning for a moment and this 4 week journey I have been on, and how I was going to miss this too. The feelings All wrap up together , the elf, advent, Christmas, family, growing up all bleed into one big mass of emotions and I go to bed feeling sad and yet silent about how I feel. I dreamed about writing this blog to remind myself about my magic, what really matters..
And What matters above all of it is Love.
All this I do for love, for the love of Christmas, for the love of my son, for the love of my life, for the love of my family and for the love of god.