Listening to ones self

I have really struggled of late to make a decision on my work situation, I seam to be worried about what people think of me, what if I upset someone , or I stay because I don’t want to let people down. I had 8 weeks of counselling and this was a recurring theme. We used the seenaro of the job I was offered as a practice nurse and I had this deep feeling that I would be letting them down if I didn’t take the job! However I wasn’t sure about it and i excepted it verbally and then decided it wasn’t for me, the guilt I felt was completely irrational! I hadn’t signed a contract. and actually if I changed my mind that was ok too. But I didn’t feel like that, I don’t want them to feel i had waisted their time. Jess and I discussed this at great length, she said if I tell you I’m sorry lisa I have thought about it and due to child care issues and the rate of pay I had decided not to take the job! She said how do you feel ! I said thankful you’ve told me the truth.

She said see what harm are you going to do. Being honest is the best policy and being true to oneself of the most important thing. I have just taken a huge leap into the unknown given up my job of 11 years as a district nurse, I feel bad for the others but I know things have changed beyond belief and with the disciplinary investigation taking over 6 months to complete and the lack of support and guidance I have received and the continuous mess up of dates times and just lack of care and attention I have felt it’s time to leave.

I am very saddened as I loved my job, and I feel the love was completely squeezed out of it, by my managers not giving me the support I needed in a time of complete crisis and overload which led to me having a brake down! I do hold them accountable as I cried and shouted and asked for help on numerous occasions. I realise now that I am just a number ! I am not cared for they are to busy caring about themselves and their jobs. It’s such a shame that the nhs has come to this. In the caring industry where we care for people but not our staff. So I’ve taken the plunge and put me first for a change and it feels weird and uncomfortable. I feel out of my depth but I feel relieved that I have finally made the decision.

Life is to short, I’m sure my mangers Aren’t worried that I’m leaving ! Infact I would imagine they are relieved !

I need to embrace this next step of my journey, even though I have many worries about my future. I just have to do it and see where it leads me.

Sometimes we need to take that jump, if you don’t feel supported, if you don’t feel worthy of your worth it’s time to move on! we are worthy we are amazing and we just need to find that job or someone who will appreciate it!

Appreciation doesn’t take much !

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