Mood!

It’s a shame that we have to go through times of feeling flat!

I don’t understand the circle of mood, depression. Anxiety or hormones. Why is it That I can go for weeks and days feeling upbeat and positive then one day wake up feeling flat and negative ! It’s hard dragging yourself out of the Dumfries, it hangs over me like a dark rain cloud and no amount of wind can blow it away! I explained it today to rob I feel like I’ve bottomed out, for no reason what so ever! I’m in this amazing place on this once of a life time holiday and boom there it is that mood changer!

I think it had a lot to do with hormones and post mensural tension and as I get older the worse it gets. I don’t want to feel down, snappy or seam moody. But I feel myself feeling distant and misplaced amongst everyone, I suddenly feel alone. I don’t feel anxious I feel like the I’m the bath and has been emptied. Some one please replace the plug and turn the tap on. I read in the news about Caroline Flack and I feel for her, we live in this world of social media and keeping up appearances, but nothing should be that bad that you take your own life. There are so many levels of mental health it seams to effect most of us as some time in our life’s. why can’t we just be happy and love life to the full. Why are we held back by others , why do we care what others think of us, why can’t we just be who we are meant to be. You know it’s fine to have a down day a duvet day a moan and a groan, as long as it’s just a day. Don’t dwell in that place for to long as it will drown you and then it becomes even harder to climb out. It’s really hard to change that mind shift, but we must try to do something that makes us happy for just us! Then that will start to build the ladder out of the darkness and into the light.

I’ve just spent 6 months off work with work related stress and anxiety and depression, my depression score in the begging was just over boarder line, and my anxiety scale was very high. I had worked myself into burn out with work being unsupportive and not listening to my cry’s for help, managing two teams with little -no staff, I highlighted my concerns to mangers and completed stress risk assessments, and still no help. In the end I was issued a disciplinary investigation as I informed the GPS that their wasn’t any staff ! This case has lasted over 6 months and I have faced some of my darkest times. I didn’t realise until after 8 weeks of counciling that I was hanging on a cliff edge, and when the disciplinary was issued I fell off into the depths of the sea. I seamed to spend a long time walking along the sea bed, questioning who I was, my integrity, did I want to be a nurse, why Was I led to the edge by my managers being unsupported, when I was shouting for help, I worked so hard for 4 months making sure the team was happy and that patients were being seen, I put myself last, my work crept into my home life and every night I would be working on my lap top until 7-8pm sorting out the next days work. Along with working extra hours on my days off and having no lunch breaks etc and finishing work late every shift. But I got no thanks all I received was a disciplinary investigation! My doctor told me to go and do things that make me happy to heal so not hide away. I thought I had done that, by completing arts and crafts and making jewellery, I realised later That I isolated myself at home, even though I was doing something I enjoyed it was very lonely. The panic attacks faded but the fear of work still hung like noose around my neck. A month felt like a day and that’s when my doctor said I had Burnt out and it would take time for me to feel like me again. The mood was variable as I was confused with myself and my job. I realise that it took ages to start to swim again and I was near the surface when we had some terrible family news and I sank again. This holiday of a life time is meant to be me coming out of the water and walking again recharging , regenerating so today when I feel down I’m wondering why do I feel like this? Hormones peri menopause HRT who knows they all seam to be playing part in my mood and mental health. I read somewhere that the peri menopause can make women depressed, anxious and feel out of sorts, I completely believe it. It’s incredible to think that all this comes from hormones ! Slightly out of kilter and bang that rain cloud is unshakeable. That’s how I feel today. I want to walk in the sunshine I don’t want to feel like this. I have no reason to dwell in the rain. This rain cloud appeared 2 days ago all of a sudden without any warning. I’m due my period and that must be why. I also have to remind myself that I haven’t done anything much for 6 months whist I have been signed off and this is massive achievement leaving home and travelling to the other side of the world. I also bagged a brand new job before this holiday in-fact I managed to bag two new jobs and I choose the best, I have made that decision that I can not go back to my amazing job as a district nurse as my managers have completely ruined that for me, and I don’t trust them. So I’m going to have a fresh start at something new, something exciting challenging and rewarding. I was so happy to get the news , they told me I was the one as soon as they met me, how wonderful is that. So why can’t I bag that feeling and keep it going. I have everything going for me, yet I feel like I’m in the dark. I have had positive affirmation and I know I am not alone. So tomorrow I’m going to wake up give thanks and start again.

I can only be true to myself.

This holiday has pushed me to face things I don’t like and do something that tests you each day, coming here is an absolute achievement in its self, going on a ski lift a cable car! And booked into a helicopter flight ! I’m wining at life and I shouldn’t forget that!

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